Beyond Pure

(You can also read this on Facebook in my notes)

I had a farrago of thoughts in my mind. After a long intrapersonal communication I went to my best friends place who is also a psychologist. I finally took the plunge and told someone about it. I met her and started telling my condition. Firstly I told her that “I came here seeking an advice about someone but I dont want to tell you the name or any other information about that person because I dont want you to be judgmental so just assume the name is Nemat. I know Nemat since forever and I love Nemat”, I told. “So whats the problem?” ,She asked. I didnt know how to explain but I tried my best by saying, “Actually the problem is that I know my feelings are beyond pure but I afraid that it may seem fake to Nemat because I havent showed or said it before.” I really love and care but confuse, will my words be fair and adequate” , I added. “Dont think too much, just go and say and if you cant then just write a letter” , she suggested. Then I told her that the biggest problem is that I dont have enough courage to say it. She thought for a moment and said, “Sometimes we just have to do it without thinking about its result, because result is the thing which makes us weaker. Do it because you have to do it, not because you want a particular kind of result from it.” Her statement satisfied me, so I asked her to tell me what I should say. So she said, “I cant tell you what your hearts says or feels, only you can, write down what you feel and give” I took my time, wrote a letter and gave her. She surprisingly asked, “Are you serious?” I laughed and said, “Girl dont take me wrong I am just giving you to read it.” She laughed too and started reading, “I always feel it but never had courage to say it, I always tell people about you that he is my hero, I love him more than anyone else in the world, I can do anything for his happiness, and he is my everything.” She suddenly stopped reading and asked, “What the hell is this ‘He’, are you gay or something?” “Just finish reading first” , I said. She continued, “He is my everything, but the problem is that I tell everyone that how much I love you but never told you. In fact these diminutive words cant do justice with my feelings, what I feel is more than this. I know you love me too but cant say it, just like me. One had to say so I thought I should. I really love you from core of my heart.” After a long pause she exasperatingly asked, “Will you tell me now who the hell is he, and do I know him?” “Let me answer your question by showing his photo”, I said. Then I showed her his photo. She saw and asked weirdly, “I think I do recognize him but Is’nt he too old for you” I smiled and said, “Dear, remove the curtain of homophobia from your eyes and see, he is my father and I am not gay, by the way if loving him makes me homo, then I am totally ok with it, because I love him, I mean it and most importantly I want to tell him.” “O my god, I am so stupid, no no man it doesnt make you homo and yes that is so good that you think you should tell your father that you love him.” She said. “I just dont know why we feel awful telling our father that we love him. Although there is no rejection, no pain, in fact youll get more and more love, care and affection in return.” ,I advised. Dare to express your feelings. {Shiraz}